Patient Medical History

Age 7

Subject takes two large pieces of cardboard up to roof to use as wings. Plans to “glide gently back to ground”. Plans fails.

Results: Bruises, though suprisingly no broken bones. A new understanding of principles of gravity and pain.

Memorable Quotes: “Hey honey, where ha.. Hey are you ok?” -Subject’s Mother

Age 5

Subject climbs chainlink fence. Reaches top, attempts to jump but pants snare in links. Force of gravity swings subject’s head/body down into fence like a whip. Hangs upside down with head directly above large, angry ant colony. Long unkempt hair dangles into ant mob.

Results: Torn pants. Scratched ankle. Several ant bites on scalp.

Memorable Quotes: “Mom… Mo.. a? A?! AAA! AAA!!! AA! In my hair! In my hair!” -Subject

Age 6

Subject attempts backflip in yard. Comes nowhere near a backflip, instead throws self directly back onto head.

Results: Mild concussion. Deep fear of going over backwards.

Memorable Quotes: None.

Age 6

While playing Hide-and-Seek, subject hides in bush of the species Cortaderia selloana, commonly known as “pampas grass” or “knifegrass”.

Results: Uncountable thin lacerations covering entirety of subject’s arms, legs, and face.

Memorable Quotes: “HEY I FOUND YOU, YOU’RE IT! Hey.. Hey where are you going?” -Subject’s Cousin

Age 12

Subject is working in back yard when lightening strikes few yards away. Covers fifty foot distance to backdoor in two leaps. Collides with backdoor at full speed, stumbles backwards over dog’s waterpan, falls into flowerbed.

Results: Bruises. Crushed mothers newly planted lilies.

Memorable Quotes: “I’ll be damned if I didn’t just plant those, dammit! Get up!” -Subject’s Mother

Age 18

Subject attempts chin up on support bar beneath high dive, leaping up to grab bar at a full run. Feet fly over head, causing subject to lose grip.

Results: Concussion, seizure, hospitalization for broken collarbone.

Memorable Quotes: “Hey, hey, how many fingers am I holding up? What’s the derivative of x-squared plus one?” -Subject’s Classmate. “Two-x, get this guy out of here!” -Subject

Age 20

Subject performs post workout stretches, bends forwards, bends backwards too quickly, resulting in loss of blood to head, blacks out, falls backwards striking head against brick wall. Regains consciousness few seconds later.

Results: Suffers mild amnesia for several hours, unable to remember phone numbers, names or addresses. Large swollen bruise on back of head.

Memorable Quotes: (crying)”I hit my head and I don’t know where I am!” -Subject

Age 26

Subject undergoes surgery on lower abdomen for what appears to be a tumor just below appendix. Not a tumor.

Results: Scar. And the magical ability to shoot laser beams from bellybutton.

Memorable Quotes: “Everyone get on your knees or taste the fury of my ‘Care Bear Stare’! I am not shitting you, don’t be a hero, get on the ground NOW!” -Subject