Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Whatapeople

June 17, 2009

Inside the Whataburger in front of Wal-Mart in Richmond, Texas. 6:30pm, though it’s already dark outside.

I’m only intermittently engrossed in a dense book on mid-twentieth-century Russian mysticism, pausing often to look around the dining room before re-reading the same sentence for the fourth time. “That which is below is a mirror of that above. By turning the gaze of the spirit within, we discern in the darkness a wavering pattern, an image written on the heart; a faded image, to be sure, yet still compelling for all that: the Self assumed in the Other, a Newness pouring therefrom, a multiplicity that is still yet one.” Three people in a row now have alerted the cashier girl to the fact that the Dr Pepper fountain is all fizz, no syrup.

In the booth front of me, a ten year-old kid in a purple tie-dye t-shirt sighs and shifts and kicks his camouflage Crocs back and forth across the tiles. He leans his head on his elbow, with his other hand he’s playing with the little plastic order-number sign, pushing down and letting it pop up.

Pop.

Pop.

Is he bored enough to pop it again? Dunno. Could go either way.

Pop pop pop pop.

His plain, lanky mother watches his banal sport with a mother’s perfunctory interest, her mind allocating the bare minimum of resources to the task of making sure he isn’t about to do something tragically stupid.

Nearby, a man and his tweenish daughter take turns eating from the same box of fries. Her hoodie is pulled over her head, hiding her eyes. Between fries she checks text messages on her cellphone. Something? Nothing. How bout now? Nothing. Something? Repeat. Her father examines his receipt, then the big menu behind the cashier, then the receipt again, a small doom gathering on his brow. Twelve bucks just for the two of us? Really?

One booth over, two gutty middle-aged guys: one, a Mexican with a salt-and-pepper flat top, the flat part of which doesn’t quite cover the crown of his head. It looks like a hat about two sizes too small. One day he might become a high school shop teacher. Though he might be named Gomez, to his students he will not be Mr G, never G-Daddy, not even Señor Flat-top behind his back; inspiring neither the devotion nor the scorn of the students he will simply be called “Hey sir.” Across from him is a white guy, or, I should say, what they call in Richmond a “Bohunk”: a decendant of the early Czechoslovakian settlers of the region. They have their own strange style: this one is round and short and has a full-on page-boy haircut that covers his ears and the back of his neck, drooping down-down-down over his forehead, coming to rest on the top of his thick black-rimmed glasses. His thick, pale lips clap out, in a desultory yet emphatic way, the order of business for the week: Gotta needa make sure the flange is manifolded before the coupler hookup is scheduled for the de-whatever-the-hell. That’s first off the bat. Quality is definitely gonna be key here. Señor Flat-top nods occasionally, more concerned with his Dr Pepper: something is off for sure.

Suddenly the kid cries out. Pushing the plastic number-sign just a bit beyond specs, it flies up and pop pop pops him right in the eye. “Gulk!”

The teen girl, the Mexican, and me: together we cough in paused mirth, “Tut!” Magically, transcendentally, our eyes find one another as we form an improptu panel of judges. Telepathic text messages blink through the greasy air, ‘Can we laugh at this? Is he going to cry or what? Can we see that again in slow-motion?’

The kid puts his hand to his eye, still unsure about how much pain he is in. His mother looks on, only mildly alarmed. Craning her neck forward slightly, “Well?”

For a ten count he’s confused as to what his motivation should be for this scene. Play it for sympathy? Tough it out for big-boy points? He needs to make up his mind quickly, as it’s becoming obvious that he’s not actually hurt. Bad call: he starts crying. Weak. Even he’s not buying it. “Sniff sniff, boo hoo. Boo hoo?”

The Mexican’s eyebrows dance with glee as he quickly snorffles a fistful of fries into his mouth, bobbing his head rhythmically in approval. The teenage girl claps her hand to her mouth, caught quietly in the throes of a laugh-seizure. Her dad is pulled momentarily from his microfinancial hell, “What? Did you bite your tongue? What?” She begins waving her other hand in front of her face, blushing with the effort to stifle her giggles, “Ngeefk!” The boy’s mother shrugs, satisfied that she’s done her job for today, “Well.” And I’m definitely having a mystical experience.

Meanwhile the Bohunk is still clattering along, “…see the positive outcomes is the name of the game.” He mistakes his associate’s animation for encouragement and repeats himself, louder, “Yeah, it’s… yeah! Positive outcomes is the name of the game!”

The Mexican agrees, his face still beaming. I agree too.

The Supremes – Stoned Love (Joey Honey Delegation Mix 120bpm)

March 17, 2009

Slick Rick – LaDiDadi – Joey Honey Get Your Baby Mix

February 14, 2009

The Supremes – Come See About Me (Joey Honey Double Ross Mix)

February 6, 2009

Robin S – Show Me Love (Joey Honey Sweetie Pie Mix)

August 7, 2008

Been a long time, shouldn’ta left you:

Robin S – Show Me Love (Joey Honey Sweetie Pie Mix)

you got to show me wuv

Bananarama – Cruel Summer (Joey Honey Rollersk8s Mix)

June 14, 2007

The DJ said, “Now couples only, couples only,” and there you was, skating all lonely.

♪Bananarama – Cruel Summer (Joey Honey Rollersk8s Mix)

Bananarama – Cruel Summer (Joey Honey Stay Indoors Mix)

June 4, 2007

Strange voices keep saying…

Ahhhh, what did they say?

Things I can’t understand.

♪ Bananarama – Cruel Summer (Joey Honey Stay Indoors Mix)

Kiva… DO IT, YOU GLUTTON!

April 11, 2007


Kiva - loans that change lives

Check it out. Kiva. It’s this thing for loaning tiny amounts of money to third world entrepreneurs, otherwise known as “microcredit.” I saw it on Frontline.

It’s fun, you can see the return on your investment–they pay you back! Go loan $25 to some lady in Uganda. DO IT!

Now… if they could somehow combine this idea with World of Warcraft or fantasy football or something like that.

Kid Sister – Let Me Bang – Weading Wainbow Mix

March 29, 2007

A reader writes:

Dear Joey Honey,

You used to have music and be funny. Lately you have neither music nor funny. What gives? Are you bothered by your lameness or do you just not give a damn anymore?

A fan.

Well fan, I don’t know what’s up with my lack of funny lately, I think it has a lot to do with all the great Vietnamese soup my great Vietnamese lady friend makes for me. I’ve noticed that when I suffer a lack of soup and/or lady friend, I gain an inversely proportional surplus of funny. This is known as the “soup to nuts balance.”

But, I still make tons music. I just don’t post it all. Here, have a Kid Sister remix:

Kid Sister – Let Me Bang (Joey Honey Weading Wainbow Mix)♪

On Earth as it is in Heaven.

March 26, 2007

Last weekend I was invited by a friend of mine to attend his church to hear him give a talk.

His church, Unitarian Universalist, is known for–or, I should say, is defined by–its open ended approach to theology, or lack thereof. Within its ranks you will find New Age spiritualists, vague semi-Christians, and even straight-up atheists. Their motto is, “The Church that Believes in YOU!” I was curious as to what their Sunday service might look like.

I arrived at the ten o’clock service a bit late. The congregation was seated in rows of chairs, rather like a normal church. Full-size mirrors ran the length of the side walls, like a gym. On the front wall hung a string of small flags carrying the ‘trademarks’ of the world’s religions: An ‘OM’, a star and crecent, the star of David, the eight-spoked wheel, a yin-yang, a cross (actually more like a plus-sign), a Native-American spear-and-wheel, and a neolithic fertility goddess. The room was otherwise unadorned except for a small table in front of the podium with a few candles, a flower, and a small statue that for the life of me looked exactly like the cursed tiki idol that Greg and Peter found in ‘The Brady Bunch: Hawaii Bound!’

My friend was seated on the raised dias, we exchanged a small wave as I found my seat. A woman was seated on the floor next to the podium, and she was reading a story to the children around her. The story was called “Hip Hip Hooray for Maggie May” or something. The basic point of the story was that you don’t have to rely on anyone but yourself.

After that we all stood to sing a song about turning aside from crying and fighting, and instead opening windows, and minds, and letting the dove fly in. The song was sung to the tune of Harry Belafonte’s Banana Boat Song(“DAAAY-o, me say day-ay-ay-o“, that one.) The song was less than clear about the provenance, purpose, or effective power of said dove, I assumed that it was the dove of peace–a good symbol.

After a short meditation about the strength and goodness of our hands, (“Look at your hands, they are good. They are strong.”) my friend delivered his talk, which was a personally and historically illustrated discussion of the interconnected role of moderation and idealism. It was well researched and clear, funny too. I liked it, and the congregation seemed to like it as well. We formed a closing circle, said a final closing prayer, or, rather, a closing exhortation, during which my friend read a great quote from Calvin Coolidge.

After congratulating my friend on a good talk, I left, thinking about Coolidge’s insistence on the omnipotent power of perseverance, and how true that is. As I drove home, I passed a church with two large gold domes with crosses atop them. “St. Mary and the Archangel Michael Coptic Orthodox Church,” the sign read. Knowing that the Coptic church was historically the Christian church of Egypt, and being a culturally curious type, I pulled in to their parking lot, and went in.

As I opened the door, I heard, in English, a man singing in the otherworldly tones of Egyptian chant, “AND CHRIST SAID, WHO DO YOU SAY THAT I AM?” The congregation chanted back, “YOU ARE THE SON OF GOD!” The robed deacons crashed together small cymbals, as they sent up great swirling jellyfish billows of incense up to the rows of angels and saints painted above the congregation. The people crossed themselves frequently, in the Eastern style: three fingers together, as a symbol of the Trinity, the hand tracing up, down, right, left to form the cross. I stood with them, somewhat dazed, and crossed myself as well, habitually going from left to right, Roman style. The singer continued, “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it,’” to which the crowd responded, loudly, “AMIIN!

Being late for my own church’s Mass, before leaving I took a last look around at the paintings which circled above me, their eyes with expressions somehow exactly halfway between anger and compassion. I thought again of the small flags in my friends Unitarian church, and began to wonder, what, in fact, did they mean?

Were they signs of invitation to religious thought?

Or homeopathic talismans meant to ward it off?